A lot of people underestimate the magnitude of what it is like to lose a pet. For some, they are 'just animals', for me they are my family, they are my babies. I own rats, and a lot of people will probably not like the idea of pet rats, but they are not what you think. They are so different to what most people have as an image in their head. People think, dirty, feral, aggressive, unsociable. That is so far from the truth. Pet rats have so much to give, they love cuddles, they love kisses, they loved being talked to all the time. They are so misunderstood. But probably out of maybe 30 people that have met my rats, pretty much all of them changed their opinion...
I got my first 2 rats in October 2023,
their breed are called 'dumbo rats' because of their ears. They are very cute,
and also very loving. I then got 2 more dumbo rats in April 2024. My rats
quickly became my sole focus, and that was really helpful for me. I then
adopted 2 girl rats in December this year. It was good to be responsible for
something other than myself. I have struggled with my mental health over the
past 15 years and always found happiness around animals. So, getting my rats
was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I quickly fell in love
with their little personalities, and their funny ways. They never fail to make
me laugh (normally by being mischievous). A group of rats is actually called a
mischief. I always enjoyed learning new things about them, and still to this
day, find out things about them that I didn't know. I finally felt like I had
real purpose, and that purpose was to be their mum. I found that I slept better
at night if I had one or more of them in bed. Before getting the rats, I had to
sleep with rain music playing because I didn't like complete silence when I was
trying to sleep. And then when I got my boys, I no longer needed the rain
music, because I could hear them moving around their cage. It brought me so
much comfort. They are so special to me, because even on my bad days, I know
that I have to get out of bed. They can’t feed themselves, or get their own
water, and they need social time watching films on the couch with me.
I always struggled to see purpose in my
life, but they showed me what my purpose was.
With rats, they don't have long lives
like cats and dogs do. Their lifespan is much shorter. Domesticated rats tend
to live 2-3 years at most. But when you get them, you think 2-3 years is a long
time. And then they start growing so fast, they become much bigger. And then as
quickly as you saw them grow, you start seeing them slow down, and you realise,
2-3 years isn't as long as you thought. 2-3 years is no time at all. Enzo was
just short of 2 (22 months old) when I discovered he had passed away in his cage.
There were no warnings, no illness noticed, and had been his usual happy,
eating self when I had gone to bed the night before. The pain of losing Enzo
felt unbearable, and I genuinely thought his loss was something I would never
get over. But I also knew that my other 3 boys needed me. And as much as I was
missing him, I know they were too. So, I carried on, but my anxiety around them
and their health became extreme. I kept believing that I was going to wake up
to find another one of them gone. Every time I saw one of them moving around
slower, or thought one of them was becoming poorly, I would spiral, because I
thought 'well Enzo didn't show any symptoms and he passed away, and these are
showing symptoms, so they are also going to die'. I would get myself so worked
up, but I knew I was being overly anxious, but I didn't know how to stop it. I
just became hypervigilant.
Fast forward 4 months, now we are in
December, and one of my younger boys, Theodore started showing signs of being
unwell. But this time, he was genuinely very unwell. I became increasingly
worried about him, and one night he deteriorated quickly, started displaying
behaviours that he had never done before. After speaking to my best friend and
ringing out of hours vets, I was told he needed to be seen, which I already
knew, but tried convincing myself I was overthinking it again. Unfortunately,
when I took him to the vets, they confirmed he was extremely unwell and would
not recover. Losing 2 in such close proximity was again a massive blow. This
left me with just 2 rats, and my home felt empty. But I couldn't fall apart
again. I still had 2 of my babies left, and now they really did need me to be
strong. It was a case of lots of extra cuddles, extra treats and giving them
lots of reassurance. Christmas was coming up, and missing them felt even worse,
and I just kept thinking how much I wanted them here with me, to celebrate like
we did last year. Their tea times started feeling sadder, waking up in the
morning and only having 2 there to greet me and for me to say morning to, it
was hard. And I'm so grateful that I still had Elijah and Tib, but I just
wished they were all here.
My best friend said something to me,
and I will never forget it, and how it made me feel. She said, they might've
only been in your life for a short time, but you were there in all of theirs.
And she said their whole lives, they knew they were loved and safe. That's all
I ever wanted for them.
I could never replace Enzo and Theo,
but when I adopted 2 girl rats- Lyra and Lyanna, my home felt a little less
empty. I still had a gap from losing them, but the girls helped me. Rats have a
way of knowing what you need, so do a lot of animals. They understand a lot
more than people think.
I can't even explain just how much my
rats mean to me.
Grief isn't easy, and unfortunately as
someone with mental health, it makes it even harder.
There is not nearly enough resources
available to deal with the loss of a pet who is your family. A lot of people
would probably also not realise just how much it can affect someone. Some
people don't even recognise grieving for animals as an actual thing, it is
often dismissed as unimportant, or nothing major. There really isn't that much
out there to help you learn how to deal with this kind of grief.
When I was scrolling on Instagram, I
came across Aimee's post, asking if anyone had experienced a pet bereavement.
Straight away I knew I had to respond.
And I am so glad that I did. What Aimee is doing is going to help so
many people. People are experiencing this kind of bereavement every day, and
don't know where to turn to, or what help is available. I met Aimee a few
years ago, and her work I know has helped so many people. Her openness about
her struggles, always made me know that she understands what she is talking
about, and isn't just writing about things she has heard of or seen online, she
is speaking from experience.
When Aimee sent me a few of the
resources she had made for Gracie's Way, I was so happy that someone was
finally talking about it and wanting to help people with this. Not only did she
have information on places to get help for what you're going through, but the
resources were filled with exercises that you can do to help you cope with the
feelings. It also was talking about the stages of grief, different ways people
react to it, any illnesses that can be affected by it. It is filled with
information, and reading it, it made me feel so understood, and what I was
going through wasn't out of the ordinary. In fact, it was completely normal. It
was distressing, but normal. Sometimes, you just need to know that you aren't
on your own, that you're not losing your mind, and you're not being overly
sensitive. You just need reassurance, and that's what I honestly felt when I
read through these. This project has everything in it that will help not only
people going through pet bereavement, but it will also help people understand
what someone goes through when this happens. It could help them if a loved one,
a friend, a colleague, or anyone they know is experiencing this. I wish there was
more out there to support people with this, but these resources are exactly
what we need, and I'm sure that people who come across this when they need it,
will find it so useful.
I am grateful, in a way, to have a best
friend who knows and understands what I'm going through. Unfortunately, though,
it is because she has experienced pet bereavement. I know I can go to her if I
need someone to talk to about it. Some people don't have anyone. But some
people won’t reach out because they are afraid. They might be worried that
people are going to judge them for how they are feeling or deem their reaction
to not be justified. But I think Gracie's Way will help with that.
When people say there is no timeline on
grief, that stands for all types of grief, not just human. One day you may feel
okay about it, and other days it might feel like the weight of it is
unbearable. I want people to know, that even on the worst days, it can and will
pass. It isn't a weakness to admit how much you are struggling. Our pets become
our everything and losing that is hard.
We will never forget the animals we
have lost, and I do believe that there is a rainbow bridge that they have
crossed. I know they are together, and they are at peace. As much as I love and
miss them, it brings me a lot of comfort, to know that they are okay. They will
always be with me, and I see them still in subtle ways. From the feathers Enzo
left behind when he chewed a hole in my duvet, to the biscuits I find hidden
underneath the couch cushions.
I love them, and I know they love me. I
will always be their mum, even when they have all passed.
Thank you, Gracie’s Way, for providing
help and guidance to those struggling with pet bereavement. It is essential
that people are able to access helpful resources like this.
