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“Legacy is not leaving something for people. It's leaving something in people.”
Peter Strople
A little while ago, I published a short Q&A about my upcoming – at that time – appearance on BBC Radio Newcastle (you can read the blog post: A SHORT Q&A ABOUT MY UPCOMING RADIO APPEARANCE | I'm NOT Disordered) but something I didn’t mention was the efforts I was going to in order to decide what to wear for it. And I realise it sounds strange to care about my outfit when it’s a radio appearance(!), but I knew there’d be photos being taken for both my social media and for theirs too. So, I knew I wanted something special rather than just another jumper and it was whilst I was on Instagram, that I saw an advert for a company adding pet photos to clothing and inspired by the ad, I ended up finding Pawfect Piccies on Etsy. To find out about my BBC appearance (which you can listen to on my YouTube channel: youtube.com/@aimes_wilson/videos), why it became the ultimate illustration of encouraging talk about pet bereavement because of the recognition of the positive impact that can have on your mental health, and for more details on the collaboration side of this blog post with Pawfect Piccies and photos of my t-shirt from their store (you can purchase the exact same one: Custom Pet T-shirt Dog Drawing From Photo Portrait T-shirt Personalized Dog Pullover Custom Cat T-shirt Dog Mum Gift Dog Lover Shirt - Etsy UK and use the discount code IMNOTDISORDERED at the checkout for 35% off the final cost of your Pawfect Piccies haul!), keep reading…
A Re-Cap of Gracie’s Story
It feels only right to start with Gracie because she very obviously influenced and inspired all of this! AI actually recommended I make a certain comment that I absolutely loved, and which fits perfectly here: "Gracie may have only been a rabbit to some people, but now she has become the reason countless bereaved pet owners know they are not alone…"
So, when I was little, I had two rabbits who had babies (kits) and mistakenly, we kept looking at them, but you’re not meant to ‘interfere with the nest’ so the babies were killed. So, years later, when my mental health deteriorated after experiencing an even bigger, more long-term trauma (six months of sexual abuse with one instance of rape), I began hallucinating rabbits! But after a suicide attempt in 2012 led to me being on life support and then sectioned for over two years, I had Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and an antipsychotic medication, and the hallucinations became easier to cope with before finally, completely disappearing.
In 2017, a few years after being discharged from the psychiatric hospital, the hallucinations returned and I was in Pets at Home with my Mum when I had this idea to hold one of their rabbits. I realised that having a real rabbit whose fur and heartbeat I could feel would help me to differentiate with the hallucinations. And when holding the rabbit gave me the strength to tell my Mum the hallucinations were back (at fear of being hospitalised again, I hadn’t told anyone) I felt almost duty-bound to return the following day and purchase the bunny (who I named Pixie, and you can read about when I got her: WHY I NOW OWN THE ANIMAL I USED TO HALLUCINATE | INTRODUCING PIXIE!!! | I'm NOT Disordered)!
In 2021 though, after around five episodes of Gut Stasis (which you can read about on the Gracie’s Way website: What Gut Stasis Looks Like: A Guide & Video | Gracie's Way) the Vet commented that it was becoming more and more challenging to bring her through it and that her quality of life was deteriorating with the fact that she was just going to continue to experience it until eventually, they couldn’t save her. So, she was euthanised in April, and the rescue cat (Emmy) became so lonely that on September 1st, I got a new mini-Lionhead bunny named Luna (you can read the first blog post introducing her: DEAR LUNA, | INTRODUCING MY NEW BUNNY!!! | I'm NOT Disordered) and she and Emmy hit it off straight-away! I actually still have the video where Emmy was washing herself and seeing her do so, Luna copied and started washing herself too…
But, unfortunately, in October 2022 Emmy was diagnosed with Feline Leukaemia and was euthanised on the 26th (you can read the blog post I wrote to mark her loss: REST IN PEACE MY DARLING LITTLE CALICO; EMMY | I'm NOT Disordered). Initially, I thought that Luna was coping rather well, but by chance I mentioned to the Vet that she had been picking up the cat tunnel (which she used too so I’d kept it) in her mouth and running around the sitting room in circles with it. I had laughed and videoed her for social media, but the Vet explained she was grieving. She said that Luna could likely still smell Emmy and that she was missing having someone to play with. This was heart-breaking and I felt absolutely terrible for not realising what it had meant, so I immediately asked the Vet; “how can I help her?” And the Vet said, “I don’t know how you’ll feel about this, but she needs a friend.” She went on to tell me that it’d be easier to introduce her to a new bunny than a cat, so the search began!
Finally, on January 9th, 2023 (though I didn’t publish the blog post until the 11th), I added my little Gracie to the family: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, GRACIE | I'm NOT Disordered! She and Luna bonded pretty instantly…
I think that part of this immediate affection was because Luna was just so genuinely relieved to finally have a companion after three months alone. And I also think she probably picked up a bit on my own very happy and grateful thoughts and feelings from finally being a Mum of two again. It honestly couldn’t have felt more rewarding to have discovered the Vet was right and that I’d made the right decision in following her advice for Luna. I was actually very emotional seeing her cuddle up to Gracie for the first time and giving her a little wash! They were adorable together!
They became so well-bonded however, that I often found myself in a room alone whilst they snuggled somewhere else in the house, so, in May 2023, I got my cat; Ruby: #HEREFORTHEKITTENS | SERIES INTRO: MANAGING MY MENTAL HEALTH IN MAKING THE DECISION TO GET A KITTEN & ALL THE PREPARATION FOR HER!!! | IN COLLABORATION WITH CATS PROTECTION & FEATURING AN ETSY DISCOUNT CODE!!! | AD | I'm NOT Disordered! Getting her from as young as possible (kittens have to be at least eight weeks to leave their Mum), meant that when she first met the rabbits, she wasn’t too nervous because she hadn’t really known any different. And having Luna and Gracie in the home first meant that Ruby had no real thoughts or behaviours around being in any way territorial and seeing them as unwelcome!
So, for two years, the four of us lived a lovely little wholesome life together and the three of them honestly made my house feel more like a home that I’d ever known in the entire time I’ve lived here! It was almost as though we’d all known each other since before anything. Ever. Like that Emery Allen quote about ‘maybe we’re from the same star…’ – actually, the entire thing is: ‘I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we’re from the same star!’ The entire home just felt ‘right.’ More ‘right’ than it’d ever felt before. I felt whole too.
Because I’ve had some gynaecology issues, it’s likely going to be tricky for me to fall pregnant and whilst I’m not in a relationship and have never really had the desire to have children, it was difficult to accept that the option isn’t as possible as it should be or as it is for others. And having three pets for the first time actually made me feel like a real Mum! And it’s comments like that which aren’t always understood – particularly by those who’ve never had a pet. But, through Gracie’s Way, I’ve grown confident in still making such statements publicly because I would never want someone else to feel embarrassed about making such a comment, so why should I be?!
This happiness, serenity, and sense of motherhood and family, came to an abrupt end on the morning of November 1st, 2025. Around two days earlier, I’d noticed wet stools in the little trays and, having lost my first rabbit to Gut Stasis, I knew that was a symptom, but because I had Luna and Gracie, I didn’t know who was responsible because neither showed any other signs of illness. But then on October 31st, Gracie didn’t come for breakfast, wouldn’t respond when her name was called, and just stayed hunched up (a symptom of Gut Stasis that’s related to the pain and discomfort it causes rabbits) in the corner of the kitchen.
Luna was backwards and forwards and even as she licked Gracie on her head, she didn’t respond in any way, so I called the Vets in the early afternoon. I was told by a Receptionist “she’ll be ok overnight and we’ll see her tomorrow morning.” This is something I’ve sworn well never be repeated. I will never again stay silent when professionals are making judgments about my pets which I don’t agree with. I will always advocate for them, and I will always stay true to my thoughts and feelings on things. I knew something was very wrong and I should’ve fought for an appointment for her that day. But instead, I agreed and made the appointment for 8 or 9am the next day (November 1st).
Eventually, Gracie moved to behind the washing machine and was there three hours before I had to go to sleep so that I could wake up early to take her to the Vets. When I woke up on the morning of the 1st, I heard a scuffle under my bed, and I remember thinking ‘they’re both going to be there and I’m going to look stupid for panicking!’ But looking under, it was just Luna. So, I went to the kitchen and looked to the corner – no Gracie. Behind the washing machine? Nope. I headed to the sitting room (which, the doorway to it, I’d had to walk past to get to the kitchen!) and almost stood on Gracie’s lifeless body lying outstretched on one side just inside the doorway.
In all honesty, it still feels so surreal to talk about it… But, at the same time, it has been something that’s become more and more real every time I’ve talked about it/every time I’ve told someone – I actually created a post/carousel about this: ‘Why Pet Bereavement Becomes More Real Every Time You Tell Someone’ on the Instagram of Gracie’s Way! And it wasn’t until a short time later that I was on the phone with my Mum talking about the bad dreams I’d started having (there’s an article on the Gracie’s Way website about this: A Guide to Nightmares After Pet Loss | Gracie's Way) and how upset I was, and she made the comment “it’s been a trauma for you too.” It was strange. As soon as she said it, I felt myself having a bit of a light-bulb moment and massively agreeing and thinking ‘of course it is!’ but I hadn’t thought of it at all prior to her saying it! It made such more sense though, that when I wrote an article for Gracie’s Way (The Reality of Finding Your Pet Dead | Gracie's Way) I actually included a section with the subheading ‘The Trauma Aspect of It.’
In that article, there’s also a lot about all the next steps I took and things that happened – including who I called first (my Mum), the fact I took a photo of her, and calling the Vets to ask if I could use the appointment still to bring her in to have her cremated. That photo ended up being useful because seeing the position she was in, helped the Vets to determine the most likely cause of death. They explained that when it’s Gut Stasis that kills a rabbit, they tend to die in that hunched up, sitting position, but the way she was it looked as though she’d actually been mid-hop and had just keeled over. So, the Vets explained Gut Stasis can actually cause shock, strokes, and heart-attacks and they thought that one of those was most likely the ultimate cause of death and explained that it would have been incredibly quick and pain-free.
In all honesty, I’ve had to hold onto that small sense of comfort very tightly, especially with my memories of Luna nudging Gracie’s body as though trying to wake her up. That was heart-breaking. I also hold onto the fact that at least she was in her own home and not a scary Veterinary Practice and she was with those who loved her and not complete strangers who had pumped her full of drugs! Little things can make a big difference when you have that desperate need for any level of relief or comfort. And this lends itself to my thoughts and feelings and the message I try to spread about supporting someone experiencing pet loss; you don’t have to get the perfect words or do anything totally incredible and out-of-this-world, usually a person will appreciate the smallest, most simple of gestures and even just having the recognition that you’ve put a level of effort into helping them could become significantly supportive.
The Layout of This Post
Before I get into the main part of this blog post, I just wanted to explain how I’m going about it… So, I’ve turned to Chat GPT a lot with my work for Gracie’s Way – mostly because I’ve wanted everything to look professional (especially graphics and visuals of any sort, really!) – and this blog post was no different. I asked what the ten most common impacts pet bereavement has on your mental health are and in agreeing and appreciating (mostly because they’re ones which I’ve certainly experienced myself) AI’s response/list, I’ve decided to divide this blog post with subheadings for four of these impacts. For anyone curious, the six I won’t be discussing – not because I feel they are unimportant, but mostly because I don’t feel knowledgeable enough to take them on – are: trauma responses, increased risk of worsening mental health, stress, guilt/self-blame, anxiety, and depression.
Not only will I write about these, the reasons why they can happen, what they can look like for the grieving person (with mention of what they looked like for me), the behaviours they can cause or influence (with mention of those I exhibited too), but I’ll also include some advice and tips on the safest and healthiest coping mechanisms and strategies for each of the ten (with mention of the ones which worked best for me!). In providing the advice portion, I hope to illustrate a recognition that everyone benefits from different things and that individuals cope in different ways and therefore will have different requirements in order to cope or recover. Finally, I’ll also include a mention and links to any of the Gracie’s Way resources (which you can request a free PDF copy of by simply emailing the project with your desired resource/or resources – you can receive as many as you request through the inbox: gracieswayuk@outlook.com) that will be most helpful and appropriate to each of the impacts too!
Intense Grief
What is it?
Intense grief is the deep emotional response to losing a pet who played an important role in your life. It can feel overwhelming, all-consuming, and at times impossible to imagine life without them. Whilst grief is a natural response to any significant loss, the death of a beloved pet can be particularly painful because they often provide unconditional love, companionship, routine, comfort, and a sense of purpose.
Everyone experiences grief differently. Some people cry frequently, whilst others feel numb or emotionally disconnected. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, and there is no timeline for when you should begin to feel better.
Why does pet loss cause this?
For many people, pets are much more than animals—they are family members, best friends, confidants, and constant companions. They are there during both life's happiest moments and its most difficult challenges, offering comfort without judgement.
When a pet dies, you're not only grieving their absence. You're also grieving the routines you shared, the future you imagined together, and the unconditional love that was part of your everyday life. This sudden change can leave a significant emotional void.
Many bereaved pet owners also experience what is known as disenfranchised grief – grief that isn't always recognised or understood by society (there’s a Guide to Disenfranchised Grief on the Gracie’s Way Instagram). Comments such as "It was only a dog" or "You can always get another cat" can make people feel isolated or guilty for grieving so deeply, often intensifying their emotional pain.
Signs:
Intense grief can affect both your emotional and physical wellbeing. Some common signs include:
Frequent crying or tearfulness.
Feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
A persistent sense of sadness or emptiness.
Longing or yearning for your pet.
Feeling numb or in disbelief.
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions.
Fatigue or lack of energy.
Changes in appetite.
Difficulty sleeping or sleeping much more than usual.
Finding everyday tasks much harder than before.
Becoming emotional when reminded of your pet.
Feeling as though part of your life is missing.
Common thoughts:
During grief, it's common for your mind to become consumed by thoughts about your pet. You might find yourself thinking:
"I can't believe they're really gone."
"I don't know how I'm supposed to live without them."
"The house feels so empty."
"Everything reminds me of them."
"I'd give anything to have one more day together."
"No one understands how much they meant to me."
"Will this pain ever get easier?"
"I just miss them so much."
These thoughts are a normal part of grieving and reflect the strength of the bond you shared.
Behaviours:
Intense grief can influence how you behave in everyday life. You may find yourself:
Withdrawing from friends or family.
Avoiding places that remind you of your pet.
Spending hours looking through photographs or videos.
Keeping your pet's belongings exactly where they were.
Finding it difficult to return to previous routines.
Losing interest in hobbies or activities you once enjoyed.
Becoming more irritable or emotional than usual.
Struggling to complete work or household tasks.
Seeking constant reassurance from others.
Talking to your pet or feeling their presence, particularly in the early stages of grief.
Many of these behaviours are a natural response to loss and often lessen as you gradually adapt.
Healthy coping strategies:
Although grief cannot be rushed, there are healthy ways to support yourself whilst you heal.
Allow yourself to cry and express your emotions without judgement.
Talk openly with someone who understands the significance of pet loss.
Write letters to your pet expressing your thoughts and feelings.
Create a memory box, scrapbook, or photo album celebrating their life.
Establish a gentle daily routine, even if it feels difficult.
Spend time outdoors or engage in light physical activity.
Practise self-care by eating regularly, staying hydrated, and getting as much rest as possible.
Continue talking about your pet and sharing happy memories.
Mark anniversaries or birthdays in a way that feels meaningful to you.
Remember that healing doesn't mean forgetting—it means learning to carry your love alongside your grief.
Things that don’t help:
Whilst everyone copes differently, some approaches can make grief more difficult in the long term.
Suppressing or ignoring your emotions.
Feeling pressured to "move on" before you're ready.
Comparing your grief with someone else's.
Believing your loss is less important because it was "just a pet."
Isolating yourself from supportive people.
Expecting yourself to recover within a certain timeframe.
Using alcohol or other unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb your emotions.
Feeling guilty for having moments of happiness or laughter.
Grief isn't something to "get over"—it's something you gradually learn to live alongside.
Signs you need extra help:
Grief is a natural response to loss, but sometimes additional support can make a real difference.
You may benefit from speaking with your GP, a mental health professional, or a specialist pet bereavement support service if:
Your grief feels as intense months later as it did immediately after the loss.
You're unable to manage everyday responsibilities or care for yourself.
You feel persistently hopeless or unable to experience any enjoyment.
You're experiencing severe anxiety or frequent panic attacks.
You're avoiding almost all social contact.
You're relying heavily on alcohol or drugs to cope.
You're struggling to sleep for a prolonged period.
You feel life is no longer worth living or experience thoughts of harming yourself.
Seeking help is not a sign that you're grieving incorrectly. It is a sign that you deserve support whilst navigating one of life's most painful experiences.
My experiences:
When I was creating Gracie’s Way I did a lot of research and found that the RSPCA had completed and published a Pet Loss Survey a number of years ago (you can read the entire findings: Pet Loss Survey Results - RSPCA - rspca.org.uk) which involved over 2,800 people. Their findings were incredibly sad and a lot of them apply/are relevant to these four areas of impact. The two most appropriate to this impact of ‘intense grief’ is that 67% of people who had lost a pet said they’d been ‘shocked by how intense their grief for their pet felt’ and that 9 in 10 felt ‘heartbroken.’
Whilst these statistics are incredibly upsetting, they’re also simply very much reality when regarding pet bereavement and a positive to come from learning about them for me, was that I instantly felt so much less alone in my own surprise for the intensity of my grief and for my thoughts and feelings of heartbreak.
I think there’s one big way to illustrate just how intensely I experienced grief after the loss of my first rabbit; Pixie and that was something I actually discussed/posted about on the Gracie’s Way Instagram in this post titled: ‘Why I Nearly Made a Suicide Attempt When My Therapy Pet Died.’ I was honestly so nervous publishing that content – more nervous than I’ve ever been for any content in my entire thirteen years of blogging/being an Influencer! And considering my content is literally always mental health and trauma related, I think it’s really saying quite a lot that this pet bereavement post was so difficult!
A positive to struggling so much with publishing this honest and difficult experience, is that it makes me super aware and empathetic to other bereaved owners who are feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and dismissed with their grief. And knowing how that feels is a positive too because it gives me the motivation, drive, determination, and passion to do anything and everything in order to destroy the judgement and lack of understanding surrounding pet bereavement. Because of my experiences, I recognise how important it is that people feel able to speak up and seek help and support for their grief – particularly where there are thoughts of suicide and/or self-harm.
How Gracie’s Way can help bereaved owners:
For those experiencing this impact of intense grief from the loss of a beloved pet, I’d recommend the Understanding Your Grief Guide, which you can read more about and see a flip-through video of it: Understanding Your Grief Guide | Gracie's Way. This guide helps people experiencing intense grief after pet loss by explaining that their thoughts, emotions, and physical reactions are valid and common. It explores the different ways pets can die, common grief responses, and the five stages of grief, helping readers better understand their own experience. Practical reflective activities, including writing about their loss and composing a letter to their pet, encourage healthy emotional expression. The guide also offers coping strategies, self-care advice, and information about when to seek additional support, providing reassurance that, while grief can feel overwhelming, it is possible to adapt and heal over time.
How Gracie’s Way can help professionals:
For Professionals who are either struggling with intense grief themselves in relation to a pet loss or are supporting a bereaved owner who is struggling with that type of impact, I’d recommend the Pet Grief Information Pack which you can read more about and see the flip-through video for it: The Pet Grief Information Pack | Gracie's Way. This information pack equips professionals with the knowledge needed to recognise and respond compassionately to intense grief following pet loss. It explains why pets often hold the same emotional significance as family members, outlines the wide range of emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioural, and social grief responses, and highlights the impact of different types of pet death, including euthanasia and sudden loss. The guide also explores the five stages of grief in the context of pet bereavement, helping professionals understand that grief is individual and non-linear. By increasing awareness of potential mental health difficulties, reducing stigma, and providing guidance on recognising when additional support may be needed, the resource enables professionals to offer more informed, validating, and person-centred care.
Loneliness & Isolation
What is it?
Loneliness and isolation are common experiences following the death of a beloved pet. Whilst loneliness is the emotional feeling of missing companionship or connection, isolation refers to becoming physically or emotionally separated from other people. Following pet loss, many bereaved owners experience both.
For many people, pets are a constant presence. They greet us at the door, share our routines, provide comfort during difficult times, and offer unconditional love without expecting anything in return. When they die, the silence they leave behind can feel overwhelming, making even the busiest home seem empty.
It's also common to feel isolated because others don't always recognise the significance of pet bereavement. Friends, family members, or colleagues may unintentionally minimise the loss, leaving you feeling misunderstood or alone in your grief.
Why does pet loss cause this?
Pets often become woven into every aspect of our daily lives. They provide companionship during meals, walks, evenings at home, and even moments when we're feeling low. Their presence can reduce feelings of loneliness, provide emotional security, and create a sense of purpose through caring for them.
When they die, these routines disappear overnight. You may suddenly find yourself eating alone, returning to an empty house, or no longer having the daily responsibilities that once structured your day. This can leave a profound emotional void.
Many people also withdraw from social situations because they don't feel emotionally ready to talk, fear becoming upset in front of others, or worry that people won't understand why they're grieving so deeply. Unfortunately, this withdrawal can increase feelings of loneliness over time.
Signs:
Loneliness and isolation can affect both your emotional wellbeing and your daily life. Common signs include:
Feeling alone, even when surrounded by other people.
Missing the companionship your pet provided.
Feeling disconnected from friends or family.
Spending more time at home than usual.
Avoiding social invitations.
Feeling that nobody understands your grief.
Experiencing long periods of silence that feel uncomfortable.
Feeling that your home is empty or unfamiliar.
Loss of motivation to leave the house.
Feeling forgotten or unsupported.
Common thoughts:
Many people experiencing loneliness after pet loss find themselves thinking:
"The house feels so empty."
"Nobody understands what I'm going through."
"I miss having someone waiting for me."
"I don't know what to do with myself anymore."
"People expect me to be over it already."
"I don't want to burden anyone with my grief."
"Everything feels quieter now."
"I feel like I've lost my best friend."
These thoughts are a natural reflection of losing a companion who was an important part of your everyday life.
Behaviours:
Loneliness and isolation may lead to changes in your behaviour, including:
Declining invitations from friends or family.
Spending long periods alone.
Avoiding conversations about your pet.
Withdrawing from hobbies or activities you previously enjoyed.
Staying indoors more often.
Finding it difficult to answer messages or phone calls.
Sitting in the places your pet used to spend time.
Talking to your pet or looking at their photographs for comfort.
Losing interest in meeting new people.
Feeling emotionally distant, even with those closest to you.
Whilst some time alone can be an important part of grieving, prolonged isolation can make it more difficult to process your emotions.
Healthy coping strategies:
Although loneliness can feel overwhelming, small steps towards connection can make a meaningful difference.
Stay connected with supportive friends or family, even if only through short conversations.
Reach out to someone who understands pet bereavement.
Join a pet bereavement support group, either in person or online.
Continue talking about your pet and sharing happy memories.
Maintain a gentle daily routine to provide structure.
Spend time outdoors, even if it's just a short walk.
Engage in hobbies or activities that previously brought you comfort.
Volunteer or participate in community activities when you feel ready.
Create meaningful rituals to honour your pet, such as lighting a candle or visiting a favourite walking spot.
Be patient with yourself—connection often returns gradually rather than all at once.
Things that don’t help:
Whilst everyone's grief is unique, these approaches may increase feelings of loneliness over time:
Completely withdrawing from everyone around you.
Pretending you're coping when you're struggling.
Believing nobody could possibly understand your grief.
Ignoring messages from supportive people for long periods.
Feeling ashamed of missing your pet.
Comparing your grief to someone else's.
Spending all of your time alone without any meaningful connection.
Believing you have to cope entirely on your own.
Allowing others to support you doesn't diminish your bond with your pet—it simply means you're giving yourself the care you deserve.
Signs you need extra help:
Sometimes loneliness becomes more than a natural part of grief and begins to significantly affect your mental health.
Consider seeking support from your GP, a mental health professional, or a specialist pet bereavement support service if:
You've become almost completely isolated from friends or family.
You rarely leave your home because of your grief.
Feelings of loneliness are becoming worse rather than improving over time.
You're struggling to complete everyday tasks because of low motivation.
You no longer enjoy activities you previously found meaningful.
You feel persistently hopeless or disconnected from others.
You're using alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy coping strategies to manage your feelings.
You experience thoughts of harming yourself or feel that life is no longer worth living.
Reaching out for support isn't admitting defeat. It is recognising that grief can feel incredibly lonely, and that no one should have to navigate it entirely on their own.
My experiences:
I think the order of this blog post has worked out well already(!) because I had just been saying in the previous section about intense grief that I’d struggled with feelings of embarrassment etc in talking about the impact my pet bereavement was having on me… and having that attitude can very obviously and understandably lead to a sort of self-created isolation. If you’re too embarrassed to speak to others, how are you meant to not feel lonely?
I think, though, that as a result of having a mental illness, I had already become slightly accustomed to these thoughts and feelings of shame and embarrassment as well as them leading to feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood. In 2009, when I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital after one of my many short-term admissions, I just happened to see my discharge summary and, in the box, alongside ‘Diagnosis’ was ‘BPD?’ And that was literally the first time I’d heard of the term(!) – no one had discussed or explained to me that Borderline Personality Disorder was something they were actually genuinely considering in terms of a diagnosis for me. So, I had to do some research by way of Google and from a book called; I Hate You – Please Don’t Leave Me by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus (you can buy the edition I read: I Hate You Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality: Amazon.co.uk: Kreisman, Jerold J., Straus, Hal: 9780380713059: Books but there’s also a newer version: I Hate You-Don't Leave Me: Third Edition: Understanding the Borderline Personality: Amazon.co.uk: Kreisman, Jerold J., Straus, Hal: 9780593418499: Books)!
Now, obviously a book and a search engine’s results, aren’t the greatest or more appropriate methods of learning something – especially something this important and life-changing. The internet can be full of fake information and books can sometimes be very dramatized or edited to tell a certain perspective of a topic or – in this case – diagnosis. Neither form or method of gaining information are exactly trustworthy, reliable, accurate, or true and precise to real-life. However, with no friends or family having the diagnosis, nothing in the media in so far as real-life stories or whatever on the news, and with none of the professionals actually telling me about it, I felt almost forced to have to improve my knowledge and understanding of it through those resources.
Eventually though, I plucked up the courage to initiate the conversation about BPD with a professional (in the form of my Community Psychiatric Nurse – CPN) and oh, what a mistake that was! I asked her if it was going to be my diagnosis and she told me; “I don’t want to give you that label yet because no one recovers from it so no services will touch you.” The fact that I still remember – word-for-word – what she said then is, I think, really good evidence of how meaningful that comment was – and still is – to me. Obviously, I’ve proven her wrong… At the time (2009), the diagnostic criteria for BPD (which is now referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or EUPD) was that you had to have at least five of nine possible symptoms. On finally diagnosing me, I was told I exhibited all nine! But then, a few years ago, I felt that I had really recovered from those difficulties and I requested a diagnosis review with the Community Psychiatrist. I saw him a number of times over the course of one year or so and eventually, he deemed that I no longer meet the criteria as I technically now only have one symptom (self-harm and suicidal behaviour)! And, in all honesty, I’d absolutely love to take his letter instructing my GP to list it as a ‘historic diagnosis’ on my records, to that CPN and tell her she was wrong!
In bringing it back to this impact of pet bereavement, the CPN’s comment not only stole a lot of my hope away (something that was incredibly dangerous, especially so early in my mental health journey) and left me feeling like I had no chance of survival, but it also made me feel incredibly alone. Particularly with the bit she’d said at the end about no services touching me! I remember thinking ‘not only do I not know anyone with BPD, but I now also have no professionals who care about it/me!’ I felt truly deserted and I honestly believe that if it wasn’t for my Mum’s unconditional love and support, I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. Because the CPN did get that bit right – no services would help! And I think that was largely due to the stigma and misunderstanding surrounding BPD and the failure of professionals and services, in my locality at least, to recognise that someone with BPD really needs specialist help, care, and support.
As a result of my local mental health NHS services having no services or professionals who were equipped – through neither experience nor training – to help someone with BPD, when my suicide attempt in 2012 landed me on life support, I had to be transferred to a specialist hospital over 100 miles away from home (in addition to it being specialist, it was also so far away because it was the nearest Personality Disorder unit who would accept my ‘flight risk’ (it was a medium secure psychiatric hospital)! And, in all honesty, the second I realised that literally all of the other girls on the ward had BPD, I felt validated, accepted, supported, and recognised. Feelings of being misunderstood and dismissed were literally immediately gone as I finally also experienced having professionals with actual, specialist Personality Disorder training!
In a way, it was kind of frustrating though to realise that if even just a handful of professionals back home had sat through a short period of additional, specialist training, I not only would have been able to stay at home, but I might also have not ended up being poorly for so long nor have gotten as poorly as I did in terms of requiring to be in Intensive Care on life support from the suicide attempt. So, in addition to my mental health diagnosis being reminiscent of feeling alone in pet bereavement, this issue of staff having training, is also incredibly relevant to loneliness in pet bereavement because it speaks to the importance of professionals who may interact with and support a bereaved owner, having some level of training, understanding, and/or experience of the topic. Having this experience/gaining these opinions from that experience, has really motivated, inspired, and influenced offering Pet Bereavement Training via Gracie’s Way (you can read more about it: The Training | Gracie's Way and to book, simply contact the project: gracieswayuk@outlook.com)!
Now – if you haven’t already realised/noticed – I always try to stay positive and find some sort of silver lining or benefit to very difficult, challenging, and upsetting situations. I do this because, having made two suicide attempts (the 2012 one and another one year or so later) that landed me on life support in Intensive Care because of experiencing abuse and rape, I massively recognise the damage that horrible situations have the very real potential to cause. I know they can take your life. I know how it feels to be unsafe and I never want to experience that again. And a method or reason why this changed and I recovered from my BPD diagnosis was because I had started talking. I’d reported the trauma of the rape and the abuse to the Police. I had told a Psychiatrist that I’d started experiencing hallucinations.
Now, in fairness, my silence wasn’t purely just me not wanting to talk about things or feeling I couldn’t trust anyone or something like that. Yes, they were qualities in it, but a huge silencer for me, was having bad experiences with professionals when I was trying to stay quiet – mostly, the Crisis Team staff. I had come to learn that professionals actually have the very real potential to make you feel worse – even if you ring them when you feel you’re at your lowest, most unsafe point. Even when you think it couldn’t get any worse. And learning this, made me reluctant to reach out and confide in anyone. But I soon learnt that staying silent was only making things worse – even though I had honestly thought of it as a method of protection!
It is that lesson on the benefits of speaking up, which has helped shape, inspire, and encourage my thoughts on talking about pet bereavement and grief. And, obviously doing so, had a monumental impact on any thoughts or feelings of loneliness and isolation.
How Gracie’s Way can help bereaved owners:
For those experiencing this impact of intense grief from the loss of a beloved pet, I’d recommend the Signposting Card, which you can read more about: The Signposting Card | Gracie's Way. For a bereaved pet owner experiencing loneliness and isolation, the Signposting Card provides immediate access to trusted organisations that offer compassionate emotional support. By including multiple contact methods, such as telephone numbers, websites, and email addresses, it recognises that people have different preferences for reaching out, making support feel more accessible. The card's portable size means it can be kept close by and used whenever feelings become overwhelming. It also reassures owners that they are not alone and encourages help-seeking without judgement. By connecting individuals with specialist pet bereavement services, the card helps reduce isolation and offers understanding, comfort, and hope during an incredibly difficult time.
How Gracie’s Way can help professionals:
For Professionals who are struggling either with experiencing loneliness and isolation themselves or supporting a bereaved owner who is, I’d actually recommend two resources! The first is the Grief Communication Guide, which you can read more about and see the flip-through video for it: The Grief Communication Guide | Gracie's Way. The Guide offers practical, trauma-informed communication strategies that foster connection rather than isolation. It explains the impact of disenfranchised grief, helping professionals understand why pet owners may feel misunderstood or withdraw from others. The guide also provides validation techniques, active listening skills, appropriate language, and supportive phrases that encourage open conversations whilst avoiding judgement or minimisation. By promoting empathy, emotional safety, and meaningful communication, it helps professionals reduce isolation, strengthen therapeutic relationships, and support healthier grieving experiences.
The second resource which I feel could be helpful here, is the Risk Factors and Signposting Resource which you can read more about and see the flip-through video for it: Risk Factors & Signposting Resource | Gracie's Way. The Risk Factors & Signposting guide provides practical, evidence-informed guidance to identify vulnerability and respond appropriately. It explains how social isolation, limited support networks, and the loss of a primary companion can intensify grief, while highlighting behavioural and emotional indicators that may require additional intervention. The resource also includes structured risk assessment considerations, clear signposting pathways to specialist pet bereavement and mental health services, and practical support options. This enables professionals to recognise risk early, provide compassionate support, and connect individuals with appropriate help.
Sleep Difficulties
What is it?
Sleep difficulties are one of the most common yet often overlooked effects of pet bereavement. Grief can have a significant impact on both the quality and quantity of your sleep, leaving you feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. Some people struggle to fall asleep, whilst others wake repeatedly during the night or find themselves sleeping far more than usual.
Sleep is essential for emotional wellbeing, and when it is disrupted, coping with grief can become even more challenging. A lack of restful sleep can intensify sadness, increase anxiety, reduce concentration, and make everyday tasks feel overwhelming.
It's important to remember that changes in your sleeping pattern are a normal response to a significant loss. As your mind and body process your grief, your sleep may take time to return to its usual routine.
Why does pet loss cause this?
The death of a beloved pet can affect sleep for several reasons. Emotionally, your mind may become occupied with memories, unanswered questions, or the events leading up to your pet's death. This can make it difficult to relax enough to fall asleep.
Many pets are also part of our bedtime routine. They may have slept on your bed, curled up beside you, or been the last thing you saw before going to sleep and the first thing you greeted in the morning. Their absence can make your bedroom feel unfamiliar or painfully empty.
Grief also activates the body's stress response, increasing levels of stress hormones that can make it harder to switch off mentally and physically. As a result, sleep may become lighter, more interrupted, or less restorative.
Signs:
Sleep difficulties can present in a variety of ways, including:
Difficulty falling asleep.
Waking frequently during the night.
Waking much earlier than usual.
Sleeping much longer than normal but still feeling tired.
Feeling exhausted throughout the day.
Restless or poor-quality sleep.
Nightmares or distressing dreams.
Dreaming about your pet.
Difficulty returning to sleep after waking.
Feeling physically drained despite spending time in bed.
Common thoughts:
When sleep becomes difficult after pet loss, you may find yourself thinking:
"Every night feels harder without them."
"I can't stop replaying what happened."
"The house feels so quiet."
"I keep expecting to hear them."
"I can't switch my mind off."
"I dread going to bed because I'll just lie awake."
"I wish I could dream about them again."
"I'm so tired, but I just can't sleep."
These thoughts are common during bereavement and often reflect the emotional weight of processing such a significant loss.
Behaviours:
Sleep difficulties can influence many aspects of your daily life. You may find yourself:
Staying awake scrolling through old photographs or videos of your pet.
Avoiding going to bed because you know sleep will be difficult.
Sleeping during the day due to exhaustion.
Drinking more caffeine to stay awake.
Feeling irritable or short-tempered.
Struggling to concentrate at work or during conversations.
Forgetting appointments or everyday tasks.
Finding it difficult to maintain your usual routine.
Becoming less motivated to exercise or socialise.
Feeling emotionally overwhelmed more easily.
Over time, ongoing sleep disruption can affect both your physical health and your ability to cope with grief.
Healthy coping strategies:
Although grief cannot be switched off, there are ways to encourage better sleep whilst allowing yourself the space to grieve.
Keep a regular bedtime and wake-up routine where possible.
Create a calm and comfortable sleep environment.
Avoid screens for a short period before going to bed.
Write down your thoughts or journal before bedtime to help clear your mind.
Listen to calming music, gentle meditation, or relaxation exercises.
Reduce caffeine and alcohol, particularly later in the day.
Spend some time outdoors during daylight hours to support your natural sleep cycle.
Engage in gentle physical activity if you feel able.
If you're unable to sleep, get up for a short time and do something calming rather than becoming frustrated in bed.
Be patient with yourself—your sleep may improve gradually as your grief becomes more manageable.
Things that don’t help:
Whilst it's understandable to search for quick solutions, these habits may make sleep difficulties worse over time:
Watching the clock throughout the night.
Using alcohol to help you fall asleep.
Consuming large amounts of caffeine to compensate for tiredness.
Spending all day in bed unless you're physically unwell.
Criticising yourself for not sleeping.
Ignoring your emotional needs and expecting yourself to "just get on with it."
Bottling up your feelings during the day.
Comparing your recovery to someone else's.
Remember that grief affects everyone differently, and temporary changes to your sleep are a common part of the healing process.
Signs you need extra help:
Sleep problems often improve gradually, but additional support may be helpful if:
You're struggling to sleep for several weeks and it's affecting your daily life.
Persistent tiredness is making it difficult to work, study, or care for yourself.
Nightmares or distressing dreams are becoming frequent or overwhelming.
Your sleep difficulties are increasing feelings of anxiety or depression.
You're relying on alcohol, medication (other than as prescribed), or other substances to help you sleep.
You're finding it difficult to function because of exhaustion.
Your sleep problems are accompanied by persistent hopelessness or thoughts of harming yourself.
If you're concerned about your sleep or your mental health, speaking to your GP or a mental health professional can help you explore appropriate support. Improving your sleep won't remove your grief, but it can strengthen your ability to cope with it and support your overall wellbeing.
My experiences:
Sleep or – more specifically – nightmares were a massive struggle for me after losing Gracie last year. Typically, my nightmares were around finding another of my pets dead, and I would wake up either screaming or crying. I think one reason why this hit me as hard as it did (and I realise most people will appreciate how hard it is without me really explaining myself/my reactions) was because during the day, every second I was in the house, I felt on edge. It got to a point where, whenever there was a noise in a room that I wasn’t in/couldn’t see into, my head was flooded with the thought ‘one of them has died.’ And it was such a strong anxiety and panic that it was true even if a pet was in the same room as me and I could actually, physically see them! That’s how unreasonable and irrational it was. And also, how constant it was and so, thoughts I often had were around just never getting ‘a break’ from it. From my grief. I couldn’t even escape in my sleep – something which I’ve actually, previously often resorted to as a coping mechanism with my mental health and found incredibly efficient and useful; hence my despair when I realised it wasn’t a possibility with this.
For such a long time – maybe even since the beginning of my mental health journey in around 2009 – I’ve recognised that sleep is incredibly helpful for my mental health and safety levels. I understand and believe that this is because when I have unsafe thoughts and feelings, they’re tiring and it feels like I need physical, literal energy to fight them, ignore them, and defy them. And I think ‘proof in the pudding’ is that often, after a mental health crisis, I will sleep for hours on end. The last time I was sectioned in 2023 (I blogged about it: The Essentials to Life After Being in a Psychiatric Hospital), I slept for pretty much 75 – 80% of the admission! A key example is that, on one twenty-four period in particular, I was literally awake for all of two and a half hours! But I think that part of the reason behind that was avoidance regarding where I was and that I absolutely and obviously, didn’t want to be there. The majority of the reason for it though, I feel, was because for a while before being sectioned that time, I had been struggling with thoughts and feelings that led to self-harm and that struggle was honestly, physically exhausting.
That point around avoidance in sleeping whilst an inpatient, has also proven to be true for sleep after pet bereavement – I have wanted to sleep purely to escape the brutal sadness and the – sometimes – physically painful heartbreak of the loss and the grief. So, when, after losing Gracie; my sleep became so massively affected and ended up being unhelpful for my mental health, it almost left me thinking ‘well, what do I do now?!’ ‘How am I meant to cope now?’
Recognising that the impact on my sleep likely, wasn’t something I was alone in experiencing, I wrote an article for the Gracie’s Way website: A Guide to Nightmares After Pet Loss and it includes:
Why Pet Loss Can Affect Sleep
Common Nightmares After Pet Loss
The Role of Guilt in Pet Loss Nightmares
Can Dreams About Pets Be Comforting?
How Nightmares Affect Grieving
Gentle Ways to Cope with Nightmares After Pet Loss
When To Seek Additional Help
It also has these lovely little lyrics from Taylor Swift’s song: Bigger Than the Whole Sky which really spoke to me because Gracie had been the youngest pet I had ever lost at the age of 2 (she would’ve been 3 in a few months):
You were more than just a short time,
And I’ve got a lot to pine about,
I’ve got a lot to live without...
In speaking about the sleep difficulties impacting things because they limited my ability to avoid things, I think that in recognising that I was unable to really avoid what had happened with Gracie as much or as often as I wanted to – or needed to – this then also, in turn, meant numerous instances of, unwillingly, being thrown into acceptance. Because I didn’t have that method of avoidance, the natural alternative was recognition that it was real and that it had all happened. And having to do that, then plays into needing the physical energy to manage unsafe thoughts and feelings (which I experienced more because I was forced to accept things). It’s all very much linked, connected, and it’s almost like if one thing happens then that causes another and if another thing doesn’t happen then that’ll cause this. It’s like a chain. But recognising it, seeing that my lack of sleep was affecting my mental health, made absolutely no difference to whether I could keep myself safe. It wasn’t as though, understanding it or appreciating why I was struggling, then helped me to cope.
I also think it’s really important to stress that yes, I’ve used the phrase of ‘sleep difficulties and things, but I think it’s really vital to recognise that this didn’t mean I couldn’t fall asleep or that I would often wake up and struggle to get back to sleep etc. I mean, because it was about nightmares, I would take around two or three hours to fall asleep because I was so anxious and nervous wondering what the nightmare would be that night and then yes, the nightmares would wake me up numerous times – like I said, I’d wake up screaming or crying. But I think the focus has to be on the actual nightmares, because struggling to sleep is one thing but having horrific experiences when you are asleep, is really, a whole new ballgame! Like, if you struggle to sleep but when you do eventually fall asleep, that’s it; at least you have a level of motivation to want to get to sleep! But my nightmares were so persistent and frequent, that I honestly – no matter how long it took – would never complain about struggling to fall asleep because the biggest part of me, genuinely didn’t want to fall asleep!
How Gracie’s Way can help bereaved owners:
For many bereaved owners, one of the first things grief affects is sleep. Racing thoughts, an empty home, disrupted routines, and intense emotions can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. The Gracie’s Way Wellbeing Activity Guide recognises that sleep disruption is a common and normal response to pet bereavement, helping owners understand that they are not alone in what they are experiencing.
Rather than promising a quick fix, the guide offers gentle, practical ways to support overall wellbeing, which can naturally improve sleep over time. It encourages self-care activities, creating calming daily rituals, spending time in nature, practising mindfulness, journaling difficult emotions, and maintaining small routines that provide stability after loss. It also recommends resources such as relaxation apps, guided breathing exercises, and sleep-support tools for those struggling at night. By validating grief while providing realistic coping strategies, the guide helps bereaved owners reduce emotional overwhelm, feel more grounded, and create the conditions for more restful sleep as they gradually adjust to life without their beloved pet.
How Gracie’s Way can help professionals:
The Gracie’s Way Trauma Informed Care Guidance helps professionals recognise that sleep difficulties are a common response to pet bereavement, particularly after traumatic losses or euthanasia. Rather than dismissing insomnia, the guide encourages professionals to validate the person's experience and respond with empathy, patience, and trauma-informed communication. It also introduces practical strategies, including DBT skills such as mindfulness, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation, alongside encouraging healthy routines that support sleep and overall wellbeing. By helping professionals understand the reasons behind disrupted sleep and respond compassionately, the resource enables them to provide more effective, person-centred support while recognising when further help may be needed.
The Guidance can also support professionals who are personally grieving the loss of a pet and experiencing disrupted sleep. It helps them understand that insomnia, intrusive thoughts, and emotional overwhelm are normal trauma responses rather than signs of weakness. The guide introduces practical DBT-based strategies, including mindfulness, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation, alongside encouraging healthy routines that promote sleep and overall wellbeing. By validating their own grief, offering compassionate coping techniques, and reinforcing the importance of self-care, the resource enables professionals to care for their own mental health while maintaining safe, empathetic practice and recognising when they may benefit from additional support.
Loss of Purpose & Identity
What is it?
For many people, caring for a pet becomes an important part of who they are. Whether it was feeding them each morning, taking them for walks, administering medication, or simply sharing quiet moments together, these daily acts of care often become woven into our identity. When a pet dies, it's common to feel as though you've lost not only a beloved companion but also a meaningful part of yourself.
A loss of purpose and identity can leave you questioning your place in everyday life. You may find yourself wondering what to do with the time you once devoted to your pet or feeling uncertain about who you are without the role of being their caregiver. This can be especially difficult if your pet was your primary companion, emotional support, or a significant source of routine and motivation.
Although these feelings can be deeply unsettling, they are a normal response to losing someone who played such an important role in your life.
Why does pet loss cause this?
Pets often give our lives structure, responsibility, and meaning. They rely on us for food, exercise, affection, healthcare, and companionship, and in return they provide unconditional love, comfort, and connection. Over time, caring for them becomes part of our daily routine and, for many people, part of their identity.
When that relationship ends, the routines that once shaped your day disappear. The alarm you set for an early morning walk, the excitement of returning home to greet them, or the evening cuddle on the sofa may suddenly be gone. These changes can leave you feeling directionless or as though something fundamental is missing.
For some people, the impact is even greater. If your pet supported your mental health, encouraged you to leave the house, helped you manage loneliness, or gave you a reason to keep going during difficult times, their death can create a profound sense of emptiness and uncertainty about how to move forward.
Signs:
A loss of purpose and identity may affect you in many different ways, including:
Feeling unsure what to do with your time.
Struggling to establish a daily routine.
Feeling as though part of yourself has been lost.
A lack of motivation or direction.
Feeling disconnected from activities you once enjoyed.
Questioning your sense of purpose.
Feeling that your home or life no longer feels the same.
Difficulty imagining the future without your pet.
Feeling emotionally adrift or "stuck."
A reduced sense of confidence or self-worth.
Common thoughts:
Many bereaved pet owners experiencing a loss of purpose or identity find themselves thinking:
"I don't know who I am without them."
"I don't know what to do with myself anymore."
"Everything feels meaningless."
"I miss having someone who needed me."
"My whole routine has disappeared."
"Coming home doesn't feel the same."
"They gave me a reason to get out of bed."
"I feel like I've lost part of myself."
These thoughts reflect the deep bond you shared with your pet and the significant role they played in your life.
Behaviours:
A loss of purpose and identity can lead to noticeable changes in your behaviour, such as:
Struggling to get out of bed or begin the day.
Neglecting your usual daily routine.
Feeling unmotivated to complete household tasks.
Losing interest in hobbies or activities.
Spending long periods feeling aimless.
Avoiding places or routines you once shared with your pet.
Frequently looking at photographs or belongings to feel connected.
Feeling uncertain about making future plans.
Withdrawing from responsibilities or commitments.
Finding it difficult to rediscover activities that bring meaning or enjoyment.
These behaviours often arise because your life has changed in ways that extend far beyond the physical absence of your pet.
Healthy coping strategies:
Although rebuilding your sense of purpose takes time, there are gentle ways to begin moving forward whilst continuing to honour your pet's memory.
Be patient with yourself and recognise that rebuilding your routine won't happen overnight.
Introduce small, manageable daily routines to create structure.
Continue activities that supported your wellbeing before your loss, even if they initially feel difficult.
Find meaningful ways to remember your pet, such as creating a memorial, planting flowers, or making a scrapbook.
Write about how your pet influenced your life and the lessons they taught you.
Set yourself small daily goals to rebuild confidence and motivation.
Spend time with supportive friends or family who understand your grief.
Explore volunteering, creative hobbies, or community activities when you feel ready.
Remember that discovering new sources of purpose doesn't diminish the love you have for your pet—it reflects the positive impact they had on your life.
Allow yourself to imagine a future that includes both healing and continued remembrance.
Things that don’t help:
When you're struggling with a loss of purpose, some responses can make these feelings even harder to overcome.
Expecting yourself to quickly return to "normal."
Believing your life has permanently lost its meaning.
Comparing your recovery to other people's.
Feeling guilty for eventually finding joy or purpose again.
Isolating yourself from people who care about you.
Ignoring your physical or emotional needs.
Assuming that moving forward means leaving your pet behind.
Feeling pressured to replace your pet before you're emotionally ready.
Healing doesn't mean forgetting your pet. It means finding ways to carry their memory with you as you gradually build a new routine and sense of purpose.
Signs you need extra help:
Whilst it's natural to feel directionless after losing a beloved pet, additional support may be beneficial if:
You continue to feel persistently empty or without purpose for an extended period.
You're unable to carry out everyday responsibilities because of low motivation.
You no longer find meaning or enjoyment in any aspect of life.
You're becoming increasingly withdrawn from family, friends, or activities.
Feelings of hopelessness are becoming stronger rather than easing.
You're neglecting your own physical health or personal care.
You're experiencing persistent thoughts that life has no purpose or isn't worth living.
You experience thoughts of harming yourself.
If these feelings are affecting your ability to function or cope, speaking with your GP, a mental health professional, or a specialist pet bereavement support service can provide valuable support. Asking for help isn't a sign that you've failed—it is an act of self-compassion and an important step towards rebuilding a life that honours both your grief and the love you continue to hold for your pet.
My experience:
For at least five years from my first suicide attempt in 2009 until 2014, I held onto this mindset that my purpose in life was to commit suicide at a young age in a bid to draw attention to the failures of mental health services. In April 2014 though, having been an inpatient since Summer 2012, I finally confided this belief in a Psychologist because I had come to realise or recognise that it was the thing that was standing in my way of reaching full recovery. Because I was doing so well with my mental health by that time – I'd had almost two years of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and had started medication – but I knew there was still something preventing me from feeling happy, safe, and well.
On telling the Psychologist, she had me do this therapeutic exercise where she had me think of things that supported this belief and then things which contradicted it and which proved it to be wrong – or at the very least made it questionable (if you’d like to see the two lists I came up with, I included them all in the blog post I wrote at the time: The Early Death Belief.
In all honesty, my greatest concern in doing this exercise and the largest reason why I was nervous and reluctant to cooperate and do it, was the thought ‘what is going to replace it?!’ Like, what would I end up thinking my purpose was? And would the new thought be worse or more harmful in some way? But I realised and accepted that I was going to get any further in my recovery if I continued to hold onto this early death one. How would I end up being 100% safe, happy, and well enough to leave hospital and be discharged from my detention under section 3 of the 1983 Mental Health Act, if I always believed in this negative, detrimental, and delusional belief of my life’s purpose.
I ended up being very fortunate though because I had created, I’m NOT Disordered and started blogging in January 2013 and it had come quite far in its first year – far enough that I used it to inspire my new mindset on my life’s purpose... As a bit of evidence for this, I used to allow comments on my blog posts (until I received two horrible ones that led to me temporarily closing the entire blog down!), here are some of the ones I received between starting it and the belief blog post:
Your posts seem to be much more positive lately, in that you are managing everything that comes at you.
You and many others have deserved more than the treatment you received. I wish you all the very best and more for your future. You can do it!
You're doing amazingly
Discovered your blog this morning and spent all day reading it! You write so well- honest and raw yet thoughtful and reflective. When/ if you feel in the right place emotionally, I really think you should consider publishing this in book form so the wider public can learn what it's really like to live with mental health problems. You have a real talent for writing, and it comes across what a beautiful, courageous person you are.
Absolutely fabulous reading. ...you are a wonderful person x x
I love it Aimee - you are doing so well!!
Well written. I love reading your blog, it really holds my attention.
So, with that insight, perhaps you will understand and appreciate why, the alternative purpose I thought of for my life was blogging and helping others with my content. Seeing how discussing the trauma I had experienced of the rape and abuse and the drastic impact it had on my mental health in terms of hallucinations, flashbacks, disassociation, self-harm, and suicide attempts, could end up being helpful in a whole variety of ways to complete strangers reading the blog posts, was incredibly rewarding. It left me with a feeling that I honestly never thought I would ever experience – tons of professionals had told me over the years that an ultimate sign of recovery is when you feel grateful for the hard experiences in life because you recognise they made you who you are and you like that person so much...
Probably at least 65% of the instances where professionals have made that comment, I’ve asked “how could I ever be grateful for being abused?!” To me, that was entirely the wrong attitude, because I worried it hinted at making what my abuser/rapist had done to me somewhat acceptable and/or appreciated. And surely that should never be a mindset for a rape or abuse survivor...?! However, over the years of the inpatient DBT and medication, I had developed a healthier attitude around my strength in recognising that it had taken a hell of a lot of strength and courage to get through what had been done to me and to have reported it to the Police too. Then, through my blogging and receiving comments like those I’ve mentioned, I experienced how sharing my experiences could help others too and I think that was really the key to my recovery in the end, accepting that without that trauma and the impact it originally had on my mental health and my physical safety levels, I might not have been able to help others with these similar experiences.
I have obviously become even more incredibly grateful for this positive impact I’ve been able to have and my content creation/career as an Influencer, has become even more motivating and inspirational in regard to feelings around my purpose in life. I finally feel that I was put on this earth and put through all of those horrible experiences, because without them I wouldn’t be neither the person nor have the opportunities that I have today. And boy, am I grateful for all of that?! I finally accept myself and recognise my strength and courage and I finally feel happy with the person I am. I also feel so much more confident and comfortable in my blogging and through it, I realised I’d developed a big interest and passion are the communications and marketing industry because I was taking a lot of things with, I’m NOT Disordered very seriously – which felt justified when you consider the size of its audience (over 3.2 million now!). Recognising that interest, I began studying various online courses in the industry so as to learn more and develop more skills and qualities that are helpful for working in that realm and which have also proven useful for my blog’s content and decisions around it too!
Now, another hugely relevant thought around purpose, which was especially relevant to pet bereavement, was around being a Mum. From around the age of about 18, I have had gynaecology issues that eventually led to a diagnosis of Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and having had surgery for it, I’ve been told it’s going to be incredibly difficult/rare for me to carry a full, healthy pregnancy. So, without really realising at first, I feel that my pets have helped me to feel like a Mum. And with the additional thought that because of the rape, things in that area have become difficult for me, that would also reduce my chance of doing what needs to be done to fall pregnant in the first place!
In all honesty, I don’t have any great longings for a baby or children, I do love children – I love having my God-Children and now my Nieces (now that my Mum is married, I have a very huge family!) but I don’t feel any sort of emptiness or failure for not having children at my age (35). And it’s actually a component which really encourages me in following Influencer; Victoria Magrath of inthefrow because even though she’s married, she has expressed having no real desire for children and she’s made some excellent points about social pressures and the wrong-ness of people assuming you should have children by a particular age (I think she’s 37).
I do wonder though whether my lack of real care for not having children, is because my pets really do truly fulfil me in that respect. When Gracie died, it was the first time in two years that I was Mum of two – for so long, I’d been a Mum of three, and this became such an impossible thought or realisation that it definitely, massively influenced my decision to get a new bunny (Evie) around three weeks after losing Gracie. And a thought surrounding this mindset that really worried me was that I didn’t want others to think that the two pets I did have (Ruby and Luna) were inadequate in any way. I didn’t want for people to think that they mustn’t be enough to make me happy. In all honesty, it felt like it was literally just about the label: ‘mum-of-three' and that this had become some sort of identity for me – almost like being an Influencer.
These experiences have really helped me to appreciate the importance of purpose and identity and recognise just how detrimental it can be to lose one/both/either of those. So, it’s something which I sincerely hope Gracie’s Way can help...
How Gracie’s Way can help bereaved owners:
The Gracie’s Way Remembrance Exercises can help bereaved owners who are struggling with a loss of purpose and identity by reinforcing that the relationship with their pet does not end with death—it evolves through remembrance. The guide explains that pets often become central to a person's identity by providing companionship, routine, responsibility, and a sense of being needed. As a result, their loss can leave owners feeling directionless or unsure of who they are without them.
Through activities such as creating a memory journal, writing letters to their pet, building a memorial or memory box, and producing tribute artwork, the resource encourages owners to actively honour the bond while reflecting on the ways their pet shaped their life. These exercises help transform grief into a continuing connection, allowing individuals to recognise that the love, lessons, and memories their pet gave them remain part of who they are. By creating meaning from loss and preserving their pet's legacy, the resource supports bereaved owners in rebuilding a renewed sense of identity and purpose without feeling they are leaving their pet behind.
How Gracie’s Way can help professionals:
For professionals grieving the loss of their own pet, the training normalises feelings of emptiness, identity loss, and reduced purpose following bereavement. It encourages reflection on the significance of the human-animal bond, promotes self-care and healthy coping strategies, and highlights the importance of supervision and peer support. By helping professionals process their own grief, the training strengthens their wellbeing while enabling them to provide more authentic, empathetic, and effective support to bereaved pet owners.
Finally...
I can’t believe how long this blog post has become (27 pages on Word, if you’re interested or are wondering!); I actually think that in my entire thirteen years of blogging, it’s the longest one I’ve ever written. But it was such a huge topic, and I wanted to really milk the opportunity to publicise this lovely Etsy store for their amazing, heart-warming work! Not only are their pieces affordable and obviously incredibly special in the personalisation aspect of them, but they’re also a brilliant quality with just the right level of thickness – which can really matter in a t-shirt (especially with the enormous weather changes in the UK right now!) – and the actual team behind Pawfect Piccies are the cutest too!
So, let’s wrap-up with a very short Q&A with the store owners:
When was Pawfect Piccies created and what was the inspiration behind its creation?
Pawfect Piccies was born in September 2023, and if we're honest, the idea started as a way to help pay for our wedding! What began as a fun little side hustle for fellow pet lovers has grown into something we're truly proud of, and it's turned into so much more than we ever imagined.
Who's on the team at Pawfect Piccies and what does each person do?
We keep things small and personal. It's just the two of us, me and my partner, wearing pretty much every hat there is. Between us we handle the designs, the customer chats, the orders, and everything in between, so every piece that goes out has genuinely been touched by us.
How long does it take to create a piece/order and what is the process for doing so?
It all starts with a photo of your pet. Once we have that, we get to work removing the background and editing it, so your furry friend takes centre stage (sometimes that means popping off a collar or lead too). We then send across a mock-up for you to see and approve before anything goes to print. It's a process built around getting your pet just right, so we always make sure you're happy before we move to production.
What's your favourite part of what you do?
Hands down, it's seeing people's faces (or their messages!) when their order arrives. Every single design starts with someone's own pet, so it's never just an item of clothing, it's a little piece of them. Hearing that we've made someone's day, or given them the perfect gift, is what keeps us doing what we do.
What are your thoughts on the theme of this blog post about the impact pet bereavement can have on your mental health?
It's something that means a lot to us, even though we never set out to work in this space directly. So many customers come to us wanting something to remember a pet they've lost, and it's a beautiful reminder of how much our pets shape our lives. We think it's such an important conversation to be having, and we're grateful it's getting the attention it deserves.
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