"The attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain."
Gabor Maté
DBT is typically intended to help with intense emotions and those struggling with emotional regulation so, whilst it wasn't specifically designed for pet bereavement, it is obviously incredibly relevant and appropriate to use the skills taught in it, as a tool for coping with your loss and grief. Here are the five DBT skills that I find most useful for my own experiences of pet bereavement...'
Firstly, How Did DBT Come Into My Life?
I first heard of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) in 2011, when a Psychiatric Hospital down South asked my Mum if I'd ever done it. They explained it was actually the recommended treatment for someone with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) - which I'd had since 2009. It turned out my local NHS mental health Trust had no specialist Personality Disorder services nor any professionals trained in DBT. So, in 2012, an attempt led to me being on life support and I was subsequently sectioned and transferred to a specialist Psychiatric Hospital over 100 miles from home which would provide DBT. At the time of my admission in 2012, the Hospital had an average length of admission of 12 - 18 months, but my admission ended up being over 2.5 years. Over two and a half years of DBT.'
Skill #1: Wise Mind
Wise Mind is a skill from the DBT Module; Mindfulness. It is intended to help someone to find a balance between emotional and reasonable mind. Emotional mind is when you make decisions and judgements that are entirely made from how you feel, whereas reasonable mind is when decision-making is based only on facts. Wise Mind is an awareness of your emotions whilst also considering logic and facts. In pet bereavement, this is especially useful for any experiences of 'guilt' which is a feeling that is typically associated with death by euthanasia or any sort of thoughts around feeling that you could've 'done more' to have helped them. It's important to really, truly recognise any level of responsibility or control you did or didn't have in order to cope better with your thoughts and emotions and establish the accuracy of them and the level of influence they can have.
Skill #2: Self-Soothe
The skill of Self-Soothing comes from the DBT Module; Distress Tolerance and it's a technique to manage and regulate your emotions through creating a calm and comfort. You can use all of your five senses; sight, hear, taste, touch, and smell via various methods e.g. going for a walk, listening to music, lighting a candle, eating snacks(!), and wrapping yourself up in a soft blanket! You can use this skill if you're experiencing emotional distress and Anxiety and/or are experiencing negative, self-deprecating thoughts and feelings e.g. thinking of yourself as a failure for not saving your pet.
Skill #3: Self Validation
This DBT skill is from the Module; Emotion Regulation. It focuses on accepting the emotions you are feeling rather than trying to dismiss them or judging yourself for even just experiencing them. A good exercise for this skill is taking a pen and paper and doing three steps. The first is 'acknowledging' which means very simply writing what you feel, then step two is 'allowing' and this is where you can write that it's ok to feel this way, it's acceptable. And that's key to validating it. Step three is 'understanding' which is the opportunity to explore what is causing this feeling and why it's having this impact e.g. triggers from a previous trauma. This skill is good for those experiencing pet loss because all too often we're met with dismissal or judgement from others, and this makes it so important that you at least validate yourself.
Skill #4: Coping Ahead
This DBT skill is, again, from the Emotion Regulation module and it's very simply and obviously about making a plan for yourself to support you for any upcoming situations. With pet bereavement, I think this is a really good skill for anticipatory grief, euthanasia, and collecting their ashes (which we have an article about on www.graciesway.co.uk) because they are elements which can likely be considered prior to them occurring. Though, I recognise you may not have the time to an exercise with this skill for some of those situations, going to collect their asked could be helped by this exercise as well as anniversaries/meaningful dates. So, again, this exercise is in three steps: step one is to describe the upcoming situation, step two is to consider which of your DBT skills (this would mean it's beneficial to check out the DBT website used for this post (link in caption) will help with it, and then step three is to rehearse it in your head which gives the opportunity to consider any consequences to your plan.
Skill #5: Resistance & Conflict
This final DBT skill comes from the Interpersonal Effectiveness module, and it is very simply a focus on encountering challenges to your communication. For pet loss, this is the ideal coping skill where your grief is diminished and dismissed by others. Pet bereavement is well-established as being a disenfranchised grief (there's a post on that earlier in this account's content) so it's very much heard-of for grieving owners to experience the notion of not having someone to support you because no one is neither understanding nor appreciative of your loss. Another three-step exercise is to consider the person's view, repeat your own, and if a person continues to cause conflict, you could ask for 'specifics' by trying to establish a reason for their views. Discovering their rationale could help you to communicate your loss in a more effective and efficient way.
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