“Sometimes,
carrying on, just carrying on, is the superhuman achievement.”
Albert
Camus
Several nights ago, I randomly decided to film a cute little cuddling moment with the newest addition to the family; my lop-eared, Double Manned Mini Lionhead; Tillie. Whilst my rabbits are very loving, I’ve never had one that’s really brilliant and who thoroughly enjoys being handled, so I really want to handle Tillie as much as possible whilst she’s young so that hopefully she’ll become used to it and will start to enjoy it. The breeder I got her from, actually summed her up as being ‘nervous but affectionate’ and in trying to handle her, I’m seeing that too – she can be nervous when you walk in the room or reach out to her, but once she’s in my arms; she’ll snuggle in under my chin and she’ll make the teeth chattering sound that’s the rabbit equivalent of a cat purring. Anyway, not long after I started filming this cuddle, I found myself flooded with the realisation that I was only holding Tillie because Evie had died. I wouldn’t have Tillie if she hadn’t. And this immediately led to some really difficult, confusing, and often conflicting thoughts and feelings, and I started crying. I was in two minds about still posting the video on the Gracie’s Way Instagram (@GraciesWayUK) because it obviously wasn’t what I’d intended, and I worried people would question my motives in posting a video of basically me crying! But I decided to use it as inspiration to publicise the message that even if you get a new pet after losing one, it doesn’t meant the other is forgotten or that you have just ‘moved on.’ So, to see the video, visit the Instagram profile linked just earlier when I mentioned it, and I hope this post is reassuring and educational…
One of the most common concerns people quietly
carry after welcoming a new pet into their lives is something they often feel
unable to admit out loud. Perhaps you're sitting on the sofa with your new
puppy curled up beside you when, suddenly, you remember the cat who used to
sleep in exactly that spot. Maybe you're laughing at your new rabbit's
mischievous personality before, without warning, your thoughts drift back to
the rabbit you said goodbye to. Or perhaps you're looking through old
photographs while your new companion plays happily nearby, and you're
overwhelmed by tears that seem to come from nowhere. In those moments, many
people begin questioning themselves: "Shouldn't I be over this by
now?" "Does this mean I don't love my new pet enough?"
"Am I being unfair to them?" The truth is that none of these
thoughts mean you've done anything wrong. They simply mean that love doesn't
disappear because you've found room in your heart for another animal.
Love Doesn't Have an Expiry Date
One of the biggest misconceptions surrounding grief
is the belief that getting another pet somehow closes the chapter on the one
who died. As though bringing a new companion home is the final step in
"moving on."
But grief doesn't work like that.
Love isn't replaced.
It expands.
The bond you shared with your pet was built over
months or years of everyday moments. Morning routines. Evening cuddles. Walks.
Feeding times. Celebrations. Comfort during difficult days. They became woven
into your life in thousands of tiny ways. When they die, those memories don't
disappear. Neither does the love. Getting another pet simply means you're
beginning a new relationship—not erasing the old one. Your heart is capable of
holding both.
Missing Them Doesn't Mean You've Chosen
the Wrong Time
Many people feel guilty when they realise they're
still crying over the pet, they lost despite now having another companion. They
worry that perhaps they adopted too soon. Or too late. Or for the wrong
reasons. But grief has no timetable.
Some people welcome another pet within weeks. Others
wait years. Some never do.
None of these choices are more "correct"
than the others. Having a new pet doesn't switch grief off overnight. You can
feel excitement and sadness. Hope and heartbreak. Joy and longing. Sometimes,
even within the very same hour. Those emotions don't cancel each other out—they
simply exist together.
The Unexpected Triggers
Many old memories return because your new pet
naturally reminds you of your previous one.
Perhaps they:
- Sleep
in the same position.
- Tilt
their head in a familiar way.
- Have
similar colouring.
- Make
the same funny noise.
- Love
the same toys.
- Sit
in the same favourite window.
These similarities can be comforting. They can also
be incredibly painful. Sometimes you'll smile. Sometimes you'll cry. Sometimes
both happen together! That isn't a sign you're stuck, but instead, it’s a
reminder that your previous pet mattered deeply.
"I Feel Guilty That I'm Still
Missing Them"
This is one of the most heartbreaking things people
tell themselves. They look at their new companion and think:
"They deserve someone who's
completely happy."
"I'm being unfair by comparing
them."
"I should stop thinking about my
old pet."
But your new pet isn't asking you to forget. Animals
don't measure themselves against those we've loved before. They simply ask us
to meet them where they are. Your grief doesn't reduce the love you can offer
your new companion. Nor does your new companion reduce the love you still hold
for the one who died. Those loves are different, not competing, and not
replacing one another.
Simply different.
You're Not "Moving On"—You're
Moving Forward
The phrase "moving on" can feel
incredibly uncomfortable for bereaved pet owners. It can sound as though we're
expected to leave our pet behind. Forget them. Stop talking about them. Pack
away the photographs. Erase the memories. But that's rarely what people
actually want.
Instead, many find greater comfort in thinking
about moving forward. Moving forward means carrying your pet with you. It means
remembering them. Speaking their name. Celebrating anniversaries. Looking at
photographs. Smiling at funny stories. Feeling emotional sometimes. Moving
forward isn't about leaving them behind. It's about learning to carry their
memory alongside your life as it continues.
"Does This Mean I'm
Ungrateful?"
This worry often appears quietly. You might look at
your new pet and think:
"They're wonderful... so why am I
crying about my old one?"
"Am I being ungrateful?"
"People would think I'm impossible
to please."
The answer is no. Missing someone you've lost
doesn't mean you appreciate your new pet any less. Imagine losing a close
friend. Making another wonderful friend later wouldn't erase the first. You
wouldn't expect it to. Nobody would accuse you of being ungrateful because you
occasionally missed the friend who died. Yet somehow people often place that
expectation upon pet owners. As though a new wagging tail or gentle purr should
instantly heal every wound.
Grief simply doesn't work that way.
You can deeply appreciate your new companion while
still aching for another.
When Other People Don't Understand
Sadly, not everyone understands pet bereavement. Some
people genuinely believe that getting another pet should solve everything. They
may say things like:
"But you've got another dog
now."
"At least you've moved on."
"Surely you're happy again."
"You can't still be upset."
Sometimes people go even further.
They may accuse someone of "milking it."
They might imply they're seeking sympathy.
Or suggest they're dwelling on the past
unnecessarily.
These comments can be deeply hurtful. Not because
they're true—but because they minimise a very real grief. Often these remarks
come from people who haven't experienced this kind of loss themselves. That
doesn't excuse the lack of compassion. But it may explain why they struggle to
understand. You don't need their permission to grieve. Nor do you need to
justify why your previous pet still matters.
Why Your New Pet Isn't Supposed to
Replace the Old One
One of the greatest gifts you can give your new
companion is allowing them to be themselves. Not a replacement. Not a
distraction. Not a cure. Their own unique personality. They won't love the same
games. They won't have the same habits. They won't look at you in quite the
same way. And that's okay. Because they're not meant to be a copy. They're
writing an entirely new story with you. Your previous pet's story has already
been written; it was beautiful and it mattered. And nothing—not even another
pet—can rewrite those chapters.
There Is Room for Both
Some people worry that thinking about their
previous pet somehow takes love away from the one beside them. Love doesn't work
like a limited resource. Your heart doesn't have a fixed amount to divide. If
anything, losing a beloved pet often teaches us how deeply we're capable of
loving. Your new companion benefits from everything you've learned:
The patience.
The appreciation of ordinary moments.
The understanding that every day together is
precious.
The gratitude that comes from knowing how fragile
time really is.
Your previous pet helped shape the person your new
companion now gets to love. In many ways, that legacy lives on every single
day.
Practical Ways to Cope
If old memories are resurfacing now that you've
welcomed a new pet, these strategies may help you navigate the mixture of
emotions.
1.
Remind Yourself That Two Feelings Can Exist Together
You don't have to choose between loving your new
pet and missing your old one. Both emotions are valid. Neither cancels the
other out.
2.
Stop Measuring Your Grief
There is no point where grief suddenly becomes
"too much" or "too long." If memories appear months or
years later, that's simply because love leaves lasting footprints.
3.
Give Yourself Permission to Talk About Your Pet
Speak their name. Share stories. Look through
photographs. Remember birthdays or anniversaries if that feels comforting. Keeping
their memory alive doesn't prevent healing. For many people, it becomes part of
healing.
4.
Avoid Comparing Your Pets
Every animal is wonderfully different. Rather than
asking whether your new pet is "as good" as the one who died, allow
yourself to discover who they are in their own right. Comparison often creates
unnecessary guilt. Curiosity creates connection.
5.
Don't Let Other People's Opinions Define Your Grief
If someone suggests you're "milking it"
or that you should have "moved on," remember that they aren't living
your experience. Your relationship with your pet was unique. Only you know what
they meant to you. You don't need to defend your grief.
6.
Challenge Feelings of Guilt
When thoughts such as "I'm being
ungrateful" arise, gently ask yourself: "would I judge someone
else this harshly?"
Most of us wouldn't, so offer yourself that same
kindness.
7.
Create Space for Both Pets in Your Heart
Display a photograph of the pet you've lost if it
feels comforting. At the same time, create new memories with your current
companion. Neither takes away from the other. They simply represent different
chapters of your life.
8.
Focus on Gratitude Rather Than Replacement
Instead of thinking:
"My old pet would have done
this..."
Try:
"I'm grateful I experienced that
love, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to experience this new relationship
too."
Both can exist together.
9.
Accept That Some Days Will Be Harder
Certain anniversaries, songs, places or routines
may trigger grief unexpectedly. That doesn't mean you're moving backwards. It
simply means love still exists.
10.
Be Kind to Yourself
Above all else, remember this:
Grief is not a measure of weakness.
Nor is it evidence that your new pet isn't enough.
It's evidence that someone incredibly important
once existed, and that kind of love deserves to be remembered.
Your Heart Hasn't Forgotten
Welcoming a new pet
into your life isn't a betrayal of the one who died. It's not proof you've
forgotten them. Nor is continuing to miss them proof that you don't appreciate
the new companion who now shares your home. Both relationships matter. Both are
real. One exists in treasured memories, and the other is being written day by
day.
If you sometimes find yourself smiling at your new
pet while quietly missing another, know that you're not doing grief
"wrong." You're simply carrying two different kinds of love at once,
and perhaps that's one of the most beautiful things about the human heart…
It has an extraordinary capacity to remember
yesterday while still making room for tomorrow.
