"I Can't Wait to Hold You Again One Day" : Guest Article by Emma Yoxall

Unlike the first Guest Post, I – Aimee Wilson, Project Lead – wanted to just provide a little introduction to this one… Emma Yoxall actually messaged the Gracie’s Way Instagram (@gracieswayuk) a week or so ago with a photo of Buster and a little message explaining how he was her inspiration to support others. So, naturally, I took the opportunity to ask her to write an article about her journey, and she very kindly agreed. When she sent me the finished article, she actually said in her email: ‘it’s been really cathartic writing about Buster, so thank you!’ and I was over the moon because writing has been so therapeutic for me – especially with my mental health journey – so to hear that the writing opportunity I provided someone else had a similar, beneficial impact was so incredibly motivating and moving! This comment of Emma’s has actually inspired me to create a Collaboration Pack which will be full of guidance, advice, and support for anyone else writing an article for Gracie’s Way so keep an eye out for that! Now, I’ll hand over to Emma…

You Can Follow Emma on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/emmayoxallpetlosssupport/

Buster was a Beagle/ Jack Russell Terrier Cross (well that’s what I think?) and he was 18 ½ when he passed away. He was adopted from the RSPCA at 18 months after being found in the house of an owner who had passed away. I went to visit him a couple times and then they did a house check and next thing I knew he was home with me! I'd had a dog previously who’d passed away traumatically in my living room unexpectedly, so it had taken a while before I was ready to adopt another dog.

Buster was a challenging dog as he grew up. He was reactive to some dogs and had bad recall. I went to many training sessions with him and in hindsight some were not the right fit for him. That's one thing I learnt over the years, that dogs need positive reinforcement only. He was very smart and good at agility but not the dog who you could take to the local pub or cafe as he would howl and get stressed and upset. I didn't understand enough about dogs then and have learnt a lot from him.

Buster was the family dog, good with the cats, with my next adopted little dog Toby, and he saw the kids grow up, leave home, come back and much more in between. He was just one of the family. Our most endearing family memory of Buster is him jumping up like a yoyo so high to see through the glass section of the conservatory door! It was his party trick! When I moved from my family home of 25 years in 2018 he and my younger dog moved with me so for a couple of years it was just us three. My new friends loved him, and I found a great dog walker/sitter who became a good friend to me too.

All through his life Buster’s health was great apart from a hot spot he'd had on his back foot for years that frequently got infected. I'd tried everything to get him to stop licking even a cone if I wasn't with him to stop him chewing his foot. In the last couple years of his life he just stopped doing it. In January 2020 Buster had a vet check and his bloods were good. Then in April 2020 he became very wobbly, uncoordinated, shaking uncontrollably, off his food and quite incontinent. Bloods revealed severe liver and kidney issues and cancer. He was too old for treatment so after much discussion, research and family conversations I decided to have him euthanised before he became extremely unwell.

His passing was planned, it was anticipated, which had both positives and negatives. As it was during Covid my vet would not come to the house nor let me be with him at the surgery. This was distressing to think about as he disliked the vet and there was no way I could say goodbye outside the vet. Luckily a friend of my daughters who was a vet receptionist told me about an organisation of mobile vets and after speaking with them they were able to come to my home on an agreed date. I'm so glad I found out about this service and have recommended them to others since. I still feel I could have waited longer than I did but felt governed by their availability and the worry that if he quickly deteriorated then I would have had no control over the situation.

In the couple of weeks leading up to his last day we were able to travel to a mutual place to meet two of my adult children and take a walk with Buster and spend time with him. I also met my close friends so they could say goodbye. He'd gone off food so that morning we took a very short walk outside, he had veggie hotdogs handfed! And I lit candles and put on a playlist I made. My children came and said goodbye, they decided they didn't want to be present as he was euthanised, and they took Toby out for an hour's walk. After he had passed away the vet left and it was just us, it felt surreal but beautiful, calm and peaceful. My other dog came back in to see Buster and my children came in to say a final goodnight.

The absolute hardest part was being there alone in my lounge with the vet (who was lovely, but we'd never met until that morning) and letting the vet administer the medication to Buster. I was responsible at that moment for taking this life. For a couple of hours after he had passed, I just sat in my lounge with him and Toby and listened to music and cried, I cried a lot. Later that afternoon it was time to take Buster to the crematorium. Again, with Covid there was no other option but to do this myself. I had driven there the week before, so I knew the way and I'm glad I did that. This part of the experience was really difficult and I'm not sure whether I'd recommend it to anyone, but Covid made it worse than it probably needed to be.

I carried him to my car in his soft bed, Toby rode in the car and Buster in the boot. On arrival at the crematorium, I was met with a guy who was kind and pleasant but normally the office manager would meet you or they would collect your pet from you or your vet. The guy had a cart on wheels and placed Buster in it. I told him to take the bed as it was heartbreaking to think of Buster just on a hard cart floor. So, the bed was cremated with him. The guy wheeled him away to a large building and then they were gone. It was horrible, clinical and extremely sad. After that I walked with Toby in the rain and just cried and cried.

The next few days I had some family calling, a couple of cards and friends left flowers outside the house. Physically I was broken, many times I felt I couldn't breathe and felt so panicked. I recall calling my mum one day just distraught telling her I didn't know what to do to feel better. I didn't eat much at first and my lifesaver really was Toby; we just walked and walked and walked. Sometimes to our familiar places and sometimes to new walks, and I just let myself cry and cry. As I started to function more, I did some yoga and breathwork when I felt panicky, this really helped me a lot. I was lucky that I was at home and not having to go off to work. I don't think I could have coped with that.

I felt guilt for not waiting longer. I knew logically with his age it was not in his interests to have treatment, yes it might have prolonged things a short while, but he hated the vet so much and going there was distressing for him. Still the day he was euthanised he was calm, he walked a short while he was alert and ate hotdogs, this made it hard and I nearly cancelled. In fact, a friend the day before who had seen him said I was rushing it and he seemed okay to her. She meant well but that comment stayed with me, and I started doubting my decision. Another friend said to me that they knew how I felt and I recall being surprised as I wasn't aware they’d lost a pet. It turned out they'd rehomed a pet and I was angry and felt my loss didn't compare to theirs at all. It upset me so much I spoke with the Blue Cross Pet Loss Support Line, and they really helped me see the other perspective from their comment and also that oftentimes people say things meaning well. I did share a memorial on Facebook and had lovely comments from many people who’d known Buster, this helped me a lot and I was comforted by it. But after a week or so apart from my children and mum no one asked any more, as though it had never happened. Because he was such an amazing age, I got a lot of comments like, you were lucky to have him so long, what a great long life etc. Whilst all that was true no one seemed to understand that the longer, they are what is the more ingrained in our life they become. No matter the length, short or long, the loss is heartbreaking and devastating. But with his age it was as though I shouldn't be sad because he was so old and was in his last stage of life anyway.

In the immediate aftermath of Buster’s death, being outside in nature walking, doing yoga at home and being quiet and focusing on self-care helped me a lot. I was also supported by the Blue Cross Pet Loss Support Line and did speak to a pet loss counsellor a few months after his passing.

I read a great book called Losing My Best Friend by Jeannie Wycherly, the book suggested writing letters to Buster, so I started doing this. I didn't continue writing them for long, but it was cathartic. I wrote to Buster about times I’d felt guilty about during his life, I told him funny things we loved about him and talked about his life, I told him how Toby and I were doing now without him.

Nowadays I can look easily at videos, photos and talk about his funny ways and things we did together. It took a while and I often cry when I think about him. But I accept my decision and I accept that I gave him the best life I could. I talk to Toby about him all the time and Toffee, my teckel dog, who I adopted in 2023.

I have a box frame at the end of my bed with his embroidered bandana, collar and photos and if I'm in the UK, I visit the places I walked with him and the place I sprinkled some of his ashes. His fur is in a little vial by the bed and his pawprints are in my kitchen in a frame with other cats I lost previously. 

I wish others understood that for many many people pets are as much part of the family as anyone else. They provide comfort, emotional support, friendship, unconditional love and of course when they have to leave it's devastating and not something we “get over”. Everyone is different but there needs to be a better appreciation that pet grief is valid and affects us in the same way, if not more so than human grief.

Finally, it is not a sign of weakness to grieve your pet, nor should it be hidden away or shameful. I've lost many animals over the years, and each one changed me in different ways. They took a piece of my heart and soul and provided me with lessons to take forward in my life caring for other animals. Ultimately it prompted me to enhance my current skills and study pet loss specifically to offer support to others.

Losing Buster made me more aware of the need for self-care and to feel my emotions and take time for myself. To share my feelings even if some people felt uncomfortable. With my existing dogs I spend as much time as I can with them, I don't force them to do things just because I want to such as taking them out places or because I see others doing it with their pets.

One thing I realised is that other animals grieve too and if possible, it can help to let them be with their animal friend as they pass or to see them afterwards. Be aware that they might act differently after losing their friend and show signs of depression.

In those first few raw days after pet loss my advice would be to take time away from work (if relevant and possible), have food ready that is easy to prepare, have support if it's there and from those who won't say things that will upset you more. Don't rush to remove your pets’ belongings. Don't be afraid of your emotions, have some techniques to use for anxiety, panic etc if time allows and seek outside help if you need it. That's why sites like Gracie’s Way are so important to show that pet grief is valid and it's amazing that there are resources like this available to support you through your loss.  No one knows how long it will take to move through the intense emotions that come from pet loss. The feelings often come in waves unexpectedly; you are an individual so there is no timeline. I do believe though that one day you will be able to think about your pet with a smile, it may just take a very long time.

I’d like to think that maybe Buster’s story will help others facing euthanising their pet at short notice and give them information around factors they might want to consider and might not have thought of. Also, I hope my experience might make others think about what they say to someone who has lost a senior pet.

To Buster, I know things weren't always perfect, but you brought endless joy to the heart of everyone that met you. I'm forever glad I was trusted to adopt you and be with you earthside for 18 and 1.2 years. You taught me so much about unconditional love and patience and when to trust myself. I can't wait to hold you again one day.